Communication is the key when in a relationship.

Get talking
Talking and listening are probably the most important skills in a relationship. There'll always be tensions and disagreements, but if you can communicate well, you can overcome almost any problem.

Talk and listen
Many couples find it hard to take the time to talk together properly.

How to avoid arguments
Many arguments occur for the wrong reasons and get out of hand easily.
Your feelings
Are you overreacting because you're tired and stressed?
Could the anger you feel be at someone or something else?
Are you hormonal at the moment and feeling unusually irritable or sensitive?
Is your mood being affected by illness?
Your partner's feelings
Could your partner be overreacting because they're tired or stressed?
Do you know that they're currently feeling angry about something else?
Is your partner either struggling with health issues or being affected by hormonal changes?
Your conscience
Are you feeling defensive about what your partner has said or done because you feel guilty?
Could you be feeling defensive because you want to avoid having to say you're sorry?
Are you bearing a grudge against your partner for something you need to let go of?
If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure this is the main thing that's bothering you? (See What are you really arguing about?)
If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure it's worth risking a potential argument?
If you're going to raise this issue, are you using the guidelines in Productive arguing?

Ways to make peace
The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, keep in mind the following tips from relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall so you can bring the conflict to an end swiftly - and peacefully.

Communication and conflict
What are you really arguing about?
Know your conflict style
How to avoid arguments
Productive arguing
Ways to make peace
Learning from arguments
Talk and listen
Resolving issues
Do you need counselling?

Ways to make peace
The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, keep in mind the following tips from relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall so you can bring the conflict to an end swiftly - and peacefully.
Abnormal behaviour
It's important to accept that arguments are a normal part of relationships. We're all different and where there's difference, there will be disagreement. But when arguing seems to be a way of life and leaves you feeling exhausted, hurt or wondering if you want to stay in the relationship, it's time to call a truce and sort things out.
The first step towards doing this is to understand what you're really arguing about and get an insight into your conflict style. After you've looked at both these areas, you can use some of the techniques below to help you sort things out. Some can be done alone; others need your partner's cooperation.


make your partner change, but if you change your behaviour they'll almost certainly react differently.

Assume the best - unless you have evidence to the contrary, always give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Check your conscience - are you arguing because there's something you're avoiding, such as apologising, compromising or forgiving? Make sure you're not fighting to protect your pride.

Think about whether you're being affected by something else - don't underestimate the power of external circumstances. Are you stressed, tired, hormonal or angry about something else?

Be adult - do you tend to slip into behaving like a child, sulking, blaming or being obstinate? Or do you become like a critical parent, condescending, criticising or punishing? An adult is calm and focused, and listens and negotiates.

Own your feelings - your partner can't make you feel something. Your feelings are under your own control. If you're angry, say "I'm angry because...", not "You made me angry."

Improve communication
Good communication is vital to making peace. Often arguments go on and on, just because one or both parties feel they haven't been heard.

The tips below will improve your chances of being heard and help you show your partner that you're listening to them.

Listen - this is the most important part of good communication. Listen to your partner, without judging or making assumptions. See Talk and listen for more information.

Explore - ask questions to make sure you really understand what your partner is saying. Be willing to look at every angle.

Explain - this is the other side of exploring. Be ready to give as much information as your partner needs to understand your point of view. Don't expect them to read your mind.

Empathise - put yourself in your partner's shoes. Feel what they're feeling and let them know you've taken notice, eg "I understand that you're feeling upset."

Express - say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear and to the point.

Laugh - this may seem a strange thing to put in an argument, but sensitive use of humour can be a powerful way to diffuse an argument. If there's a lighter side, use it.


Manage your anger
This is vital: anger can be a positive emotion that helps us get our needs met, but if anger gets out of control it blocks any chances of reaching an agreement. It's impossible to have a proper discussion with someone who has lost their temper. If either of you feels very angry, stop your discussion or the row will almost certainly get worse.


Joint techniques
The best peacemaking tactics are ones you've agreed on beforehand.

Big Brother - pretend your argument is being observed by someone who's opinion you value. You'll be amazed at how polite and reasonable you'll both become.

Use code words - agree a word to use when either of you feels it's getting too emotional or you're just going round in circles. Then take some time out before you start again.

Be practical - try the resolving issues exercise to help you work through the problem rationally.

Agree to disagree - sometimes it's simpler. Not all battles need a winner and a loser.

Argue productively - print out the productive arguing guidelines. Put them somewhere you can see them and both try to stick to them.

Take turns - if you don't feel you're getting equal air-time, agree to take turns. Use a watch to time alternate five to ten minute slots until your communication has improved.